I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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