It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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