hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
