Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
