your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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