Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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