I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
