Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
