just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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