I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
