I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
