I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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