she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
