Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We left the knife in your bed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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