The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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