Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
