There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
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I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize