I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
