just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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