Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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