I'm really into asian looking animals
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
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How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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