She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
