if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
