I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
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You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
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I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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