the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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