I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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