glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize
