Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
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Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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