So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
