Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
