remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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