I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
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I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.