Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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