i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
