I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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