also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
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Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
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I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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