dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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