Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
