can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Barsexuality is the new black.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
