Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You're a waste of cheezeits
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.