So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much