I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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