everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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