Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
