I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
