I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
