I wish I could punch you in the face.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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