Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
