I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
