God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you will always have a special place in my vag
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
