Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
