You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
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do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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