He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
