Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
