I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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