Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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