good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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