I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
