so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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