my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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